I’ve always been exceptionally candid and generally un-shamable, but the past 18 months have tested even me.

To live is to be willing to die over and over again. - Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

Online dating is a lot like a Squid Game, of the needle-in-a-haystack variety.

We get it. You love fish. You love fish so much that you got up at the crack of dawn, put on some ill-fitting cargo shorts, and stepped onto a tiny-ass boat.

Years ago, my sister gave me some advice: care less. It sounds like terrible advice, doesn’t it? Except it isn’t.

Over the years, many people have shared lessons, mantras, rules, guidelines with me. Some were funny; some were lifechanging - all made an impact. For the record, I follow the below advice on a 7 out of 10 ratio.

Specifically, cis-het men between the ages of 38-46 and who live within a 25 mile radius of the north side of Chicago.

First, the headline: I DQed my triathlon. Four months of training, only to be defeated by Lake Michigan.

I have a hard time letting go. I think because so few things have ever belonged to me, it’s been so rare for me to feel secure, that once I feel stable, it’s hard for me to walk back out into the wind.

I grew up in rural Texas, and I’m one of the oldest kids in a very large family - like more than the Duggars large.

About a year ago, I noticed that one of my pupils was getting very small, and the other was getting very large. I thought it was weird, but I just ignored it because I had other sh*t going on.

I’m a terrible sports-person. I played soccer as a kid and in high school. I put the ball in the net for the other team once as a 6-year-old, and I was the top scorer on my high school with my two goals - total. At least I had learned to shoot on the correct end of the field by then.

Something I learned this year: Divorce doesn’t make you happy. Drugs make you happy.

For most of my life, I was positive that I didn’t want kids. I grew up in a huge family. I was one of the oldest. I told myself I wanted to be responsible for only me, but really - I was just terrified to be a parent.

After going on what felt like a million dates, I can (un)scientifically say that there are 6 types of men you meet on Tinder - at least amongst the 37-46 cis-male crowd with whom I am accustomed.

Sometimes life gives you lemons. Other times it throws a boulder at you. I don’t like lemonade, and I’m terrible at rock climbing - so when my life blew up, I reacted poorly.