On Failure
My race tats mocking me the day after
So confident before I spent 56 minutes tryna not-drown in Lake Michigan
Two shorties looking for their mom (that’s me) in the swim chute
First, the headline: I DQed my triathlon. Four months of training, only to be defeated by Lake Michigan.
I know where I messed up. I should have swum by the seawall, but instead I swam further out. The seawall would have kept me on course. My normal swim time for a half mile is 24 minutes, and I spent 56 minutes trying to get through the swim portion in the actual race. Even though my body was ready, my head wasn’t. I timed out on the swim, which means I disqualified.
I’ve mentioned before that I have some water phobia. Although I can swim 1000m no problem in a pool - open water is different. Especially when your goggles fog, you’re far from shore, and you can’t see. I actually had to call for help at a certain point.
When I signed up for this race, I had two goals:
Focus my energy on something productive and challenging, so I could accomplish something I would be proud of.
Let my kids see me work hard on something, and be proud when it pays off at the finish line.
So when I DQed, there were definitely some tears. I know I did the work, I gave the race my all, but it felt like I failed. My body was ready, I had trained in open water, but I made a strategic error on my route choice - which sent my race day sideways.
That night, I was tucking my kids into bed, sad because that moment I had been working for - my kids seeing me cross that finish line - didn’t happen. My daughter gave me a kiss and hug, “Mom, I was proud to watch you swim today. Do you think you’ll try again?”
Maybe so, kid, maybe so.