The very worst at the sports

Ohio St. Beach. Popular open water training spot for much better swimmers than myself.

Doesn’t matter what size you order. All wetsuits are Barbie doll-sized.

I’m a terrible sports-person. I played soccer as a kid and in high school. I put the ball in the net for the other team once as a 6-year-old, and I was the top scorer on my high school team with my two goals - total. At least I had learned to shoot on the correct end of the field by then.

Regardless, I love working out. It’s how I process - everything. My feelings, my anxiety - it all benefits from a good sweat. So, I work out every day: run, spin, swim, yoga, weights, TRX, pilates. And, I’m horrible at all of it. This is not me being modest.

• My standard speed is 13-minute miles when I run.

• My average output on a 30-minute *Peloton spin class is around 160.

• My best marathon time is 5:28:33 - and I was thrilled at that result.

• As a kid, I flunked out of YMCA swim classes - multiple times - and the coach told my parents not to bother.

I’ve run 3 marathons, 6 half marathons, and a bunch of shorter races. I am always at the back of the pack, and the 10-year-old racers (there’s usually at least 1) leave me in their dust.

I also have water phobia, so naturally I do triathlon. Makes sense. Two so far, including one DNF because legit I was drowning. It was hilarious to everyone, including me.

In about a month, I’ll swim/bike/run my third sprint at the Chicago Triathlon. I’ve been swim training since April. I have a coach. I joined a training club. The entire goal is two-fold: no drowning and no swimming boat to boat. It’s sure to be a sh*tshow.

Because no matter what I do, or how hard I work, I’m just the very worst sportsperson. But, that’s ok - because triathlon lifeguards tend to be very nice people who I enjoy talking to. We’ve spent a lot of time together over the years.

*Yes, I’m one of “those people.” Also, I like biking in my basement where nobody can see me be terrible at it.