Opening Doors for Neurodivergence with Ravayna Coe

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Description

Ravayna Coe is the mother and wife of loved ones who are autistic, and she explores the multifaceted nature of autism, challenging the traditional narrative that frames it as an ending. Ravayna shares the story of her neurodivergent household as she herself has ADHD, as well as discussing the spectrum of autism, the importance of early intervention, and the diverse experiences within the autism community. She emphasizes the significance of communication, the challenges of parenting, and the need to shift societal perceptions of autism. The discussion highlights the beauty and complexity of raising a neurodivergent child, celebrating their unique qualities while navigating the challenges that come with it.

Transcript

Heather Mcginley (00:41)

All right, my guest today is Ravayna Koh. Ravayna and I have known each other for quite a long time at this point, I would say. I think it might be multiple decades.

Ravayna (00:50)

We're

in the 15 to 20 year range. We're getting to the point where I have known you longer than I haven't. So that's we'll follow.

Heather Mcginley (00:53)

Yes.

Yes.

She is so many things at once as she's a good friend. She is a loving mom and wife. She is so smart, fashionable and full of energy. But most of all, the thing that I love most about you, Ravayna is because you are first and foremost, a fierce, brave truth teller. You tell the truth at all times and you are not afraid to get right in there, which I love. Not everybody is like that. That's okay. That's okay.

Ravayna (01:18)

Gets me in trouble, but I stand by it. Right? Good thing to get

in trouble for.

Heather Mcginley (01:24)

You know what, I think more people should cause trouble these days, so I think that's a good thing. Now, Ravayna is here today because we're gonna talk about autism, which is often framed as an ending. Neither Ravayna nor I are on that train, and so we're gonna talk about how that understanding is quickly being challenged for good reason and propose some new ways to think about it. Ravayna, I'm so glad you're here.

Ravayna (01:28)

Talon?

Yes.

I'm so glad to be here. Thanks for having me, Heather. I'm flattered to be included.

Heather Mcginley (01:51)

Now, I would love, let's get started at beginning. Can you talk to us a little bit about what your story is with autism? What brought you here today and why this is what we're talking?

Ravayna (02:01)

Absolutely. Over here in my family, we are just waving the neurodivergent free flag all over the place. I have ADHD, my husband is autistic, and so is my son. Autism is a spectrum, as you may have heard, as obviously I think you know, but for anyone who is new and listening, autism is a massive spectrum. It's a...

developmental delay that can also be a learning delay. It can also be a disability, but it's a neurotype. It isn't a disease. We're not going to find a cause or a bacteria or a virus. None of those things are happening. is honestly, it's the way our brains work. And once I started looking at it from that point of view, it made a whole lot more sense to me that autism is a title, yes, but it's also an explainer rather than an ending.

knowing when we got my son's diagnosis, knowing that was really validating because then it was like, okay, now I know what we're working with and now I can look for tools and resources to be able to help him rather than just being wondering.

Heather Mcginley (03:04)

Now, was it helpful with your husband being autistic, but it does show up so differently? Can you kind of talk a little, can you kind of dive into that a little bit about what being autistic is like, what it can look like, and that spectrum across? Because I don't think everyone exactly, like we hear about a lot, but I don't know that everyone understands what it is.

Ravayna (03:10)

It shows it so differently.

It can be really, really diverse because there's a whole variety of things that your neuro type can affect because it's a neuro processing thing. So pretty much it affects your brain chemistry, how you process things and how your body works. So I will give you concrete examples because I like to speak with what I know. As far as my husband, he can sometimes be sensorily overwhelmed. Noise can be overstimulating for him. So he'll sometimes

wear earplugs. My husband is also hugely justice focused and that's something that we see as a symptom or a typical of autism is justice sensitivity. He cannot, cannot tell a lie. Will not really allow you to tell a lie in his presence. It will kind of just erupt out or his face will tell you that he knows you're lying and then you shouldn't be. But

other things that we don't have issues with with my husband, he has no dietary limitations. He does not really have sensory sensitivities He's also a grown man who wasn't diagnosed as autistic until he was grown. So we're also looking at a lifetime of potentially masking and building in structure within his life that allows him to be more supported.

⁓ When it comes to my son, ⁓ he was diagnosed autistic right at about three, but we, you know when people will be like, moms will be like, I knew. Because you know when you're pregnant and you're reading a lot to expect when you're expecting blah, blah, blah, and it says, okay, well, you'll see this at 12 months and you'll see this at 18 months and you'll see this. And so we went into my son's 18 month pediatrician appointment and I was like,

Not only is he not talking, he doesn't really make noise. He's a quiet kid. He will giggle if he's tickled, he will play, but he's not talking and he's not babbling. And our pediatrician, shocker, he's no longer a pediatrician, told me that I was worrying too much and that boys just talk later and that some boys don't talk until they're four or five and I don't need to worry about it and he'll see us in six months and just stop stressing. That sounded like a crock of shit to me. Full transparency and.

It was a crock of shit to be so clear. So I was like, cool, I don't fucking trust you. I'm getting a new pediatrician. We're fortunate to live in California where the Lanterman Act serves disabled communities so, so, well. Because what that means is that any child in the state of California under the age of three receives

free early intervention. So when Ash was 18 months and not talking, I was like, they're like, okay, take him to the regional center, start early intervention. And at that point I'm like, all right, we have absolutely nothing to lose. There is no cost out of pocket. The worst thing that's gonna happen is if I go, they're gonna be like, cool, we're just playing with him. He doesn't need this or this is not a fit or whatever, but there was no loss to be considered. So I was like, all right, let's do that. We went to the regional center. We started speech therapy and OT.

COVID then hit, which was super awesome. It was really great to attempt to have my two-year-old on virtual speech therapy on the computer with someone he'd never met in person when he'd never had speech in person. It was awesome. was, honestly, it hellish. It was absolutely fucking hellish. Like my husband and I would, who we are teammates, and that is one of the only times I can think of where we were like, this one's you. This, like.

When it was time for that appointment, it was like, all right, who is going to be in charge of literally hauling Asher in the computer around as he keeps being like, no, I'm not doing this. we started that. Then we did a group like speech delayed kids play. it's a group social skills class was the kind of thing. was little kids playing together. So we did that.

We've done speech therapy, OT, follow, follow, follow. We did public preschool because public schools are the only ones who are required to care for kids with disabilities like this. we've at this point, he is in his third year of public school. We are at our third school and we are delighted there.

Heather Mcginley (07:13)

Yeah.

Ravayna (07:23)

We did what is called the PALS program, which is Preschool for All Learners, and that is a preschool program for kids with an established need. It was a variety of different disabilities. Now he's in what's called an autism core classroom. Every kid in his classroom has an autism diagnosis. Again, we've talked about a spectrum. Spectrum is super wide. We have everything from kids who have no verbal ability to kids who are speaking fluently at this point.

and it's a kindergarten through second grade classroom. So like Montessori style, he will be with his teachers and his beloved Miss Becca and his friends for two more years, which we really love because he does best in a familiar situation. That's something that we really see with him. As far as the symptoms of autism that we see in Asher, he is at this point, he's six, like I said, he is not yet speaking.

Heather Mcginley (08:03)

Yeah.

Ravayna (08:12)

I chose those words very carefully and I'll explain why. In our family and in a lot of families, we choose not to use the words non-verbal because he is verbal. He uses sounds and some phrases and a few words. And I'm also not willing to use a title that limits him. You will hear me use the phrase a lot that we are not yet doing things because one thing that I've learned with the spectrum of autism is that Asher's very much on his own timeline.

he hits goals, we just need to acclimate to have them suit him. So I won't say that he is nonverbal, I won't say that he is non-speaking. Right now he is an emerging speaker. He has like five different ways of saying dad, because he's obsessed with his dad. They're the same, same, they're besties. It's the cutest shit in the world, I gotta tell ya.

Heather Mcginley (09:00)

Well,

you can tell too from your Instagram, the pictures of David and Ash. And I'm like, oh, they have a good relationship. You can tell.

Ravayna (09:06)

They

are so tight, they are so obsessed with each other. They get each other in a way. Like I say it's their autism that they have the sametism. Obviously when I say that I'm fucking around, but like they get each other in a way that is nonverbal, incredibly dynamic. If I wasn't the beneficiary of it, I might be jealous of it transparently because like they get each other so, so well, but it's honestly the most beautiful thing to see.

does have a few words that are emerging. He especially likes to tell me no need and that with the finger, mind you, with the finger no need.

Heather Mcginley (09:43)

Those are your genetics coming

out in your child.

Ravayna (09:48)

Like, with stuff like that happens, like, I can't even be like, I'm just like, cool, this is my fault. Like, what he, what he no needs me and slams his bedroom door in my face because he is not ready to, you know, start his day or do whatever. I'm like, cool, this is my kid. Cool. Come up, it's a my kid.

Heather Mcginley (10:03)

Now you know that Asher's

gonna grow up to be a kid that does not take shit and he's gonna be okay.

Ravayna (10:08)

Honestly, I love

the most. Because obviously when you get a kid with a diagnosis, there are million worries. It's what will it be like, especially with something like autism, no one knows. Like, I can't tell you when he's going to start talking, if he's going to start talking, when he's going to be conversational. I don't know shit. All I know is like kind of today, if that makes sense. But it's really reassuring.

to know that his personality is firm and that he is strong and opinionated. Like, he might not be able to tell me exactly what he wants, but he will show me, he will convince me. His first day, first or second day at his new school, one of his assistants pulled me aside and was like, so he doesn't, he won't tell me when he wants things, but he will just take me and show me. And I go, mm-hmm, he gets what he needs. He communicates very effectively. And so we do, technically the term in OT is hand over hand.

where you guide, where the therapist or the parent guides the kid's hand. We prefer hands under hands, which is letting him be the leader as we kind of guide from underneath. he will bring us to do things with hand over hand, but he will not settle and tolerate for bullshit. That's one of my favorite things about him, honestly. It's interesting. You learn a lot about other people when your kid gets a diagnosis.

You learn a lot about yourself, but you learn a lot about other people. And how other people treat my child is one of the biggest shapers of how I, what I think about them, how I feel about them, whether I respect them. and that's one of those things that like, it's not like,

Heather Mcginley (11:28)

Yeah, yeah.

Ravayna (11:45)

when you talk to him and he doesn't answer and you don't get it, that's not a, that's a choice of how you feel and it shows and it's really apparent. And so it has been interesting kind of to see that. Cause there are people who I would have thought that would have been far more understanding and supportive and are no longer in our lives, full transparency. And there are people who humble and aw me with the way that they show up for my kid and our family and the way that they, whoo.

And the way that they love And see him and welcome him in all of the ways and with all of his layers. is, yeah, humbling, heart wrenching, heart filling, all of the above. I'm trying to think of what other specific autism, what the other things we knew with Asher was, or like in looking back, we're like, duh, how did I miss this?

⁓ He loves to line things up. He has lined things up his entire life. also, you know how I feel about fashion and shoes, right?

Heather Mcginley (12:44)

Yes, you are quintessentially fashionable.

Ravayna (12:47)

This kid got it for me, Heather. Not only does he only wear bombas socks, He only wears high top vans with Velcro. Again, discontinued, so I get to shop.

we do all of those things. I mentioned that he is not yet speaking. I'm trying to think. He also

A typical symptom of autism is someone's special interest. My husband has several. Justice is one of them. Football is one of them. Asher has, I've watched Coco at least once a day during dinner every day for more than four years. I know. I mean, so glad it's Coco and not like Coco melon or God knows what. You know what I mean?

Heather Mcginley (13:23)

I mean, to be fair, it is an amazing movie.

What if it was

Caillou?

Ravayna (13:33)

it's forbidden in my house. He's never seen Caillou, he doesn't know who they are. But yeah, we are obsessed with Coco. We have been forever. We've had a few other things that come on in to play.

on screen. We love the Taylor Swift Aras tour concert. We have watched it probably a hundred times. Miss Taylor taught him to point because we would get a

Heather Mcginley (13:51)

you could

recreate it with Asher, I would say at this point.

Ravayna (13:55)

There's about four songs that we have full dance parties to. Like he knows to come to mom where we're getting on the shoulders and we're gonna rage. So yes, we love that.

Heather Mcginley (14:06)

Well, thankfully it's that. There definitely could be worse people that you would be ⁓ relegated to listening to on a regular basis. Now, one thing I want to make sure that we talk about today, which is the core message of our discussion the show is about how endings can bring us to a new beginning. And we're flipping the script a little bit with this conversation because autism is something, you know, there are organizations out there and I'm not going to say what their name is because I don't want to give them your time.

Ravayna (14:13)

I- for

Thank

Absolutely.

Heather Mcginley (14:33)

but there are organizations, yes, and I'm sure you know which one I'm talking about, that really are a big part of framing autism as an ending. And really, there's a larger conversation there about there are a lot of things that get framed as endings that lead to ableism and all sorts of things that are so off base.

Ravayna (14:33)

They're plotting and shading organizations.

took the words out of my

mouth.

Heather Mcginley (14:55)

so off base and it's like the basis of inspiration, I call it inspiration porn, or people, it just becomes this whole world that is so weird and about, and it becomes about the parents, it becomes about the parents. And so today what we wanna talk about is autism is not an ending, actually, and so can you kind of share your point of view on why autism isn't an ending and talk to us about that.

Ravayna (15:19)

I just think that instead of a diagnosis being an ending for me it was it was like getting on the path it was like we were playing in the park and once we got a diagnosis I was like okay this is the path that we're on we can still have our own experience we can still do it our own way but at least we have some idea of what we're working with and that that has been super helpful I mean in some ways

Autism is not an ending of anything that is worthwhile, but for me it was, I absolutely had to let go of misconceptions and misinformation that I had. I mean, I will be utmost transparent that you do not realize how inherently ableist this world is and you as a person are until it slaps you in the fucking face. Like I am.

not long ago, apologized to a pretty good friend of mine who I've known extensively for a long time. She's also in content creation because while we were pregnant, while I was pregnant the night before I gave birth, she asked me something and my response was, it doesn't matter as long as he's healthy. And she has a child with significant special needs who will need full-time care for her entire life. And when I tell you the way that my skin crawls and I want to break out of it, when I think of those words coming out of my mouth and like how

inherently problematic. It is to set the goal of birth as a child who is healthy when that is not something you can choose or input in or anything else was, yeah, that was an eye opener for me for sure, and I'll put that in that way. And so absolutely in those ways, there is an ending. Like there is an ending of those misconceptions and I'm glad for that because as

Heather Mcginley (17:08)

yeah.

Ravayna (17:08)

Like when you're in the autism moms, and I'm using that in the, I'm being as generous as possible as I can be with that term because I don't condescend to discount how difficult it is to be working through these changes and these feelings with or without support. I know that it was hard enough for me and I am surrounded by support and I have, you know.

a team, a therapist, a supportive partner, all of those things. So I really try and keep my tongue tight when it comes to talking about other people's parenting experiences. Because if it's one thing I know is that I do not actually know. And that's something that's reinforced as I parent and as we go through and I will have, or in comments I will get from friends that will be like, Asher, this is so easy for Asher. And I'm just like.

And it runs through my brain and I'm like, this is so easy for Asher because of the mass quantities of work that have come in prior to setting Asher up for success at this event with this time, with this maturity. I mean, birthday parties, I guess, are a really great example. They were really easy the first two years. We had one for him at his second birthday. And then there was like a strip of like a year and a half where like,

I went to birthday parties alone sometimes, because I am neurotic and if we have RSVP to a party, we are going, even if it means that I am only bringing in a present, because more than once we have been the only attendee at a birthday party and I just cannot, will not do that to another parent and family. So in that timeline, if Asher was not interested in go, I don't want my life to be a battlefield. So if he does not want to get dressed and go somewhere and do something, especially like that, I'm not gonna make him, I'm not going to force him.

Heather Mcginley (18:37)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ravayna (18:50)

But I would just go drop the present off, say hi, do whatever. And I had like an active moment at my girlfriend's little girl's birthday party like six months ago where I was like, we were here last year and Asher needed full supervision. Like one of us in the ball pit with him, like one to was the level we were at. And then this year we were there and I like.

He was in the ball pit jumping with more than one kid and like my husband got a plate and I had a drink and a conversation. And for the average parent, that is just your Saturday and you don't realize how lucky you are. But for me, like I like had me a full blown moment of like relief and pride and like let's recognize this before it disappears.

Heather Mcginley (19:32)

Yeah.

Ravayna (19:37)

But it is one of those things that was like, looked far different from how I would have anticipated it looked when I was talking about what parenting a kindergartner would be like. I would have anticipated so many different things from the way is that it looks.

Heather Mcginley (19:48)

Well...

Yeah.

Well, and I think there's a larger conversation to be had here too, within ableism and the things that, know, there's a lot we could talk about here. One being, I feel like maybe it's the United States thing, I don't know, where we have this idea of things are supposed to look one way. And if you deviate from the one, and you can apply that to anything, know, grief.

Ravayna (20:09)

Yes. Yeah.

Heather Mcginley (20:13)

What people look like how they act and what how they live their lives like we have like one idea and the reality is it's such a sliver They're actually that whatever we've chosen is the way it's supposed to be only applies to a very small number of people

Ravayna (20:16)

you

Thank you.

That's

just the perspective you have. The amount of times, if I had a dollar for every time someone had told me that my child didn't look autistic, I would be buying both of us a vacation, Heather, because, and now I'm rude about it, transparent.

And now I go, really? So what does autism look like? And I'm bitchy about it at this point because like, help me.

Heather Mcginley (20:47)

Yeah, it's

unacceptable to say things like that.

Ravayna (20:51)

if you cannot have common sense and think about the words coming out of your mouth, don't let them out of your mouth. But like, when someone tells me like, your kid doesn't look autistic, he's so beautiful, I'm like, or I will be like, so autism has to be ugly? All the faces I dink.

Heather Mcginley (21:06)

Yeah, it's not,

well, and it also makes me think about too, there are so many things, and this is actually a lesson that I've learned in my 40s. Would have loved to learn this maybe when I was a little younger that I have stopped thinking about life in shades of good and bad. Like it's more like things can be hard and good, they can be easy and bad, and quite often that's usually how it is. The hard stuff is the good stuff, and then the easy stuff is the maybe it's not the best for you. You know what?

Ravayna (21:31)

We can't.

Heather Mcginley (21:36)

things that you're bringing up, your life can take an unexpected turn that, because I think when you know better, you do better. And at the beginning of our lives, we know less. And you have this idea, I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna have family. And you have this idea of what it will look like. And then as we get older and wiser, we realize that could be thousands of different outcomes. And you start to realize that...

Ravayna (21:46)

Yeah.

Heather Mcginley (22:00)

You know, just because it's hard doesn't mean that it's bad, you know, and like, like honors.

Ravayna (22:04)

You just said one of the lines

that I say all of the times. I say, hard doesn't mean bad. Because those two things are not the same thing. And the other thing that you touch on when I tell people all the time, I'll just be like, more than one thing can be true. Like, can be too hard. Yeah. It can be really hard and also really rewarding. And it can be really ugly in the trenches and also really beautiful. And it can be all of those things in the span of one afternoon because that's how humans work.

Heather Mcginley (22:19)

Yes, and they seem to conflict, but they don't.

Yeah,

Ravayna (22:35)

And I.

Heather Mcginley (22:35)

with a slice of cake and a drink and a conversation.

Ravayna (22:38)

No.

And what you said really is true though, that once you know better, you do better. And that's something that I take really seriously and work really hard on. I've always, you know what a nerd I am. And my goodness, if I had studied anything in college as much as I have studied in working to set my child up for success, I would have been summa cum laude, just saying. And I wasn't, to be clear. But it's just like,

Heather Mcginley (23:03)

Hahaha!

Ravayna (23:06)

that matters so much to me and yeah, just, care a lot, a lot, a lot.

Heather Mcginley (23:13)

Something you talked about too occurred to me and getting ready for today, you know, I was doing some additional reading and I ran across it was someone had written she was a mom. She wrote about how she learned so much. Her child was not speaking yet. And she talked about how it has actually pushed her to really go deep on learning how to communicate, relate and connect to people because it's just it wasn't a situation she'd been.

Ravayna (23:21)

you

Okay.

Heather Mcginley (23:38)

and through before her child was autistic and wasn't speaking yet. I'm so interested to hear what you have learned through that process and being a mom to Asher.

Ravayna (23:38)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

learned so much about communication. Nonverbal communication is so powerful and I don't think I realized how much it played in to the dynamic but when it's all we have it's really really powerful. I had to do a couple of learns.

One, I had to recognize that I could not regulate my child if I was dysregulated. Let me say it again, that we cannot regulate our children if we are not ourselves regulated. And so that's on me to do the work because he's a child, he's a baby. Like, developmentally, as your roles with like the three and a half year olds, we're getting into the fuck you fours. So he is a baby in a lot of ways still. And so it is my job.

to manage my shit because he is incredibly sensitive, especially to nonverbal communication. And it serves none of us if he is overreactionary because I can't keep my cool. And that's something that we have had to actually deal with a lot because one autism symptom that we've dealt with that has actually been probably one of the most difficult is a tendency to self-harm.

And with Asher, that shows up specifically if he feels he has done something wrong or he feels shame, he will be self-injurious. And I know I didn't expect or think about that kind of thing before I was a parent, but there is nothing I think that is more painful for me as a parent than seeing my child hurt and not being able to bridge that gap. So it was something I really had to work on because

Heather Mcginley (25:04)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ravayna (25:19)

If I escalated further, he would self-harm. So I had to learn a lot about communication and revise the way I communicated.

Heather Mcginley (25:28)

Yeah.

Ravayna (25:29)

Also like, I'm a sharp bitchy bitch. Like let's just call it what it is. I take no prisoners and give no fucks. I, yeah, like I mean, all these flavors and all I got is salt and heat, sis. So that was something that I really had to mind knowing that like my snarky tone would be damaging. So that's.

Heather Mcginley (25:32)

Yeah.

We've got two spicy gals here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, you're

something I just learned about this year that you're making me think about and I have been like hanging on to this for dear life because I think it is life changing. So I'm in grad school and I happened to take a class that was all about communication and things like that. And it really dove into the science of it. And there was this one chapter we were talking about, you know, are you saying what you think you're saying? And it talked about how 70 % of communication is your energy.

Ravayna (26:00)

Mm-hmm.

Heather Mcginley (26:18)

and your emotions, it had nothing, only 30 % of the words you say land or come across. So if you're, know, like so often you'll hear someone say, but I was so nice when I talked to them, they knew you were mad. You know, like that part actually matters.

Ravayna (26:18)

Yep.

Yep, exactly. And he can tell

and he can read that and he can tell when we're frustrated and it just it doesn't set us up for success. So I have worked a whole lot on that. It has made me a significantly better communicator with my husband though, because we had to learn to be able to have especially conversations about parenting things.

Heather Mcginley (26:40)

Yeah.

Ravayna (26:52)

in a really common, discrete way because we can't have a disagreement about how we're managing Asher and not have it implode. So that's been really effective. outside communication, things that I've learned about is that Asher has not been successful with sign language. We've been at it for a while. He mainly has a handful of signs that he will throw all of them together in like one sign flop. Like all of them together when he is excited or wants something.

Heather Mcginley (27:00)

Right.

Ravayna (27:19)

Like when he shines, just, yeah, yeah. I'm like, you're like, okay, I know you don't want to go to bed right now, but you just did, please more stop together and mom, like, So there's that, but we've actually made some communication progress that has been really cool around here. So I'd like to share, ⁓ Asher for like the last seven or eight months, he's been working using an AAC, which is an augmentative or alternative communication device.

Heather Mcginley (27:19)

You're like, you're making this challenging, Asher. I'm gonna have to think about what just happened and what you're trying to tell me. ⁓

Okay.

Ravayna (27:46)

The one that

we use is like it is an iPad that is programmed to only have this program on it. And it is a speaker for him. Like he presses, if he presses colors, then he can pop on whatever color and have it say which one it is. There is a spot where it's all of the crayons and he will press like the yellow, if he would like a banana for a snack, he will press the yellow crayon and then it will say yellow banana. And then he will show it to me and be like, mom, the bananas are over here. The bananas are right there.

And so that has been really fun and really exciting to see him make the connection that this can be his voice. He's very, we're still in very early stages. He's got one that goes to school and one that's at home. We're using it at school. And right now his favorite is to like say the same thing over and over, but that's conversation. That's utilization. We're making progress.

But that has been another layer in the communication. But that's a newer one that we have been.

Heather Mcginley (28:41)

strategy.

Ravayna (28:46)

working towards and that is really powerful and impactful for kids who are not yet speaking or struggling with communication because there are a lot of kids who are able to speak and use what I call mouth words but who have some things like apraxia which is a diagnosis that says that they can't quite get their brains and their mouths to communicate. There are a lot of layers of things like that that are co-diagnosed with autism that

can make communication even more difficult and this helps work through and break through some of those things. So we are lucky to have a really great team at school. His speech therapist at school is incredible. I have a personal friend who is like an AAC specialist speech therapist that walked us through things before, you know, insurance was on board and all of the others and we'd called a million people to get it. So we started on our own, but it's cool to see him use it. Makes me really proud.

Heather Mcginley (29:17)

That's amazing.

amazing. Now as we're getting wrapped up here, I thought it was important to wrap up with what are some of your favorite things about Asher.

Ravayna (29:46)

I'm obsessed with the way that he was, he is so freaking playful. He is so creative. ⁓ He is in his artist stage, which means he is painting a half a coloring book a day at this point.

20 to 30 pieces of art. I'm now buying dot markers by the case. Where's the 64 pack? Get it on, subscribe and save and I'm done there with this. I need a bottomless pit of endless markers specifically pink and purple.

Heather Mcginley (30:12)

I just need endless markers.

Ravayna (30:17)

I think the thing that I love the most about him is how tender he is. He is really strong and really brave and really opinionated for being non-speaking, but he is also sweet and tender and cuddly. Most recently in our very extended bedtime routine, normally it ends by him walking up to the door, but in the last few weeks he's been asking mom to cuddle him and no lies, it's the best.

thing in my entire life. and I tell him how much I love him and he is, it's the biggest, best delight that, ⁓ I can't even. I'm just kind of obsessed with him. That's what I like best about that, sure.

Heather Mcginley (30:41)

Yeah,

To close us out, I've got a big question for you. What do know for sure?

Ravayna (30:55)

So yes.

I know for sure that this kid is incredible and dynamic and loved. And I know for sure that he is the best thing and the most refining thing that has ever happened to me. And I know for sure, like I am not a Jesus person or like God picked this kid for me and none of that. But I know for sure that his...

delightful self was meant to be mine and my husband's and that we are, that our family is perfect as our little 37. I know those things for sure.

Heather Mcginley (31:31)

love following y'all on Instagram. You have just the sweetest pictures and y'all seem so happy together and I just love it. I love it.

Ravayna (31:38)

We

are. It's like when I say that more than one thing can be true. It can be really hard and it is and I'm never going to be one of those people that's like, my god, it's so easy because it's not. can be hard and really beautiful and really special and really wonderful and I am I am grateful a lot more than I am frustrated and I'm grateful for.

Heather Mcginley (31:47)

No,

Yeah,

I love it and that is really beautiful. Things can be hard and beautiful at the same time and actually that's probably the default. It's more often that than it is anything else. It's meaningful.

Ravayna (32:07)

Yeah, when I started to

set that as my default, things definitely became easier for me specifically and my expectations, which are obscene.

Heather Mcginley (32:15)

Yeah, I bet.

Well,

Ravayna, I want to thank you so much for being here. Where can people find you if they want to work with you or they want to hear more from you?

Ravayna (32:25)

Please come find me on the internet. My goal is to be everyone's best friend on the internet. So that's what I'm do. I'm at Ravayna on Insta and on TikTok. I'm at Ravayna Co. And you can find me there and you can slide up in my DMs. I love to have conversations. And by all means, if you are concerned that you or someone in your family might be on the spectrum or you just want to talk or you have questions or you want referrals, please come to me. Please, please, please. I would love to be a resource. ⁓

I was lucky to have people who were understanding and willing to answer my questions and help me navigate. And I want nothing more than to pass that along and make the process of realizing who and what your family innately is more comfortable for you.

Heather Mcginley (33:08)

And I'll put all of Ravayna's information in the show notes as well. So you don't have to like scramble to write this down. I'll put it, make it easy for you, put it in the show notes so that you can find Ravayna easily. Yeah, let's make it easy. Easy and fun. That's a good thing. I wanna thank you so much for joining us today and thank you to everyone who's listening. Everyone who's listening to the Happily Never After today, especially if you are on your own journey through an ending of your own. We hope you have a great week. Thank you.

Ravayna (33:16)

That's the deal in the good works.

Yeah, thanks so much, friends.