Own Your Joy with Kit Morgan
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Description
In this conversation, Kit Morgan, a licensed clinical social worker, shares their journey of healing from religious trauma and the impact of growing up in a fundamentalist Christian environment. They discuss the complexities of family dynamics, the process of grief and healing, and the power of finding joy and gratitude in life. Kit emphasizes the significance of self-discovery, empowerment, and the challenges of navigating estrangement from family members. Kit highlights the importance of community and support in the healing process.
About Kit Morgan
Kit Morgan is a licensed clinical social worker, educator, and psychotherapist in Upstate New York. He specializes in religious trauma work and adverse childhood experiences in the 2SLGBTQIA+ population. Kit’s work is centered around dismantling oppressive ideologies, integrating tried and true healing practices, and cultivating inner wisdom.
Follow Kit on Instagram at @theliberatedporch
Read The Liberated Porch on Substack at https://theliberatedporch.substack.com/
Learn More about Kit at www.theliberatedporch.com
Transcript
Heather Mcginley (00:41)
Hi everyone, my guest today is Kit Morgan. Kit is a licensed clinical social worker in New York and creator of Deliberated Porch. He specializes in care for 2SL, GBTQ, IA plus folks who have experienced religious trauma and adverse childhood experiences. His work is centered around dismantling oppressive ideologies, integrating tried and true healing practices and cultivating inner wisdom. Kit, thank you so much for being here.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (01:09)
Thank you so much for having me.
Heather Mcginley (01:11)
So this show is all about endings. Sometimes endings are positive, sometimes they're really difficult, sometimes they're challenging, sometimes we can control it, sometimes we can't. can you share a little bit about your story and what got you here today?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (01:23)
Yeah, so I was born and raised in the Bible Belt and then I moved to upstate New York back in 2019. And so my roots are still very much in the Bible Belt. And because of that, it really influenced the work that I provide today. in growing up in the Bible Belt, I have people ask, well, wait, what does that mean? And I say, whenever you see the billboards that say, do you know where you're going to die? You know that you've made it to the Bible Belt.
Heather Mcginley (01:54)
It's like the sign, you've made it, you got here. Congratulations.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (01:59)
Exactly. So people just are very aware of their endings or the narratives about their endings there. And that's where my life began. And I was born and raised in Christian fundamentalism. And being in that kind of culture, it very much shaped the person who I became.
and I ended up going to Liberty University for my undergrad and whenever I was there in the first year I thought
You know, I actually inherited these beliefs rather than these beliefs and values being authentic to my own. And that began my process of questioning and then leaving Christian fundamentalism. I got a master's of social work through Indiana University where I was able to freely receive education and disagreement was something that was welcomed. Exploration was something that was really valued there rather than having that shut down and that really
the way that I thought about things that I learned and then really laid out this beautiful foundation for where my work took me of prioritizing, just leaning into the religious trauma community because it really can be like a community for people who have experienced religious trauma and leaving these different communities and then finding understanding from others
who have left.
Heather Mcginley (03:21)
No, what you're making me think, because I also grew up in Christian fundamentalism in Texas. There are definitely the billboards. It's so funny you bring that up because that is, you know, you've made it when you start saying those. I spoke with someone named Brian Recker who also walked away from Christian fundamentalism recently. We could all go to lunch. And something he brought up, you also just mentioned, we were talking about questioning and how that's really not like you're not a good Christian if you
question. You know, that's not really something that you do. Something he brought up is that fundamentalism can disassociate you from who you really are. Like you push down what you think about things like even if like you're seeing something at church that in your heart doesn't feel right, you will push it aside and disassociate your you from who you are. What do you think about that? Was that your experience as well?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (04:11)
In Christian fundamentalism, they say that your identity is found in Christ and they teach you what that identity means. And if you question that you have an identity outside of what they have told you that your identity is in Christ, then that's shut down and then you no longer belong to the group anymore. And so there is this innate desire to belong to a group because that's where there can be safety that's found through belonging.
baloning. But instead, it's not safe to belong to a group where they're looking at things from only a homogenous type standpoint, rather than having diversity of that community.
Heather Mcginley (04:52)
I think it's really wonderful that you work with people. You're the actually first person that I have run into that specializes, one of your specialties is working with people that have religious trauma. Because I actually had my own life-old moment the other day in talking to Brian. And it's like coming back right now as we're talking. Walking away from fundamentalism can feel a little bit like deprogramming. Like there was a point at one time where I was like, this is, I mean, it wasn't a cult, but I kind of feel like it.
You know like healing from those things is actually really serious and takes a really long time and you're I think the only person I've met who really Specializes in that and you were right. I think calling it trauma. I was thinking about this the other day I was like that really is how it shows up for a lot of people
Kit Morgan (he/they) (05:34)
And whenever calling something a cult, I know that there are a lot of different definitions for a cult, but whenever being brought up in Christian fundamentalism and they tell you to be quote unquote separate from the world, that means that they don't want you to have community or belonging outside of that Christian group, including to not be intermingling with other denominations. And so because of that, then there's all of this group think. So then whenever you
you
leave that and people are walking down memory lane of being like, hey, like, do you remember this from the early 2000s or from the 90s? And being like, I have no idea what you're talking about because of having that separation from anything that was related to pop culture because of what was allowed or not allowed within those groups.
Heather Mcginley (06:23)
I did have an idea for a podcast one time called Under a Rock for all the movies I never saw growing up and watch it for the first time now and comment on it.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (06:32)
Hehehehehe
Heather Mcginley (06:33)
Okay, for you and thinking over endings, like I think if we all think about our life, there are different endings that come up of different sorts. And we talked just a little bit before we started recording about some endings are good, some endings are really difficult, sometimes they're really challenging, but it's also true at the same time, it becomes an opportunity to become more yourself or to learn more about the world, become a better person. And I have gotten to a place where I'm not a binary thinker anymore. Things can be really hard and difficult.
and also for your good at the same time. Both of those things can be true. So for you, what are some of the maybe endings that have made the biggest impact on you in your life?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (07:12)
I've had a lot of endings in my life, which means I also have a lot of beginnings in my life too. But I think something unique to my experience is that none of the relationships in my life are older than a decade.
and it's because of leaving Christian fundamentalism and also coming out as queer and trans whenever being told that that was the ultimate heresy to be doing that in the kind of culture that I grew up in.
Heather Mcginley (07:43)
Yeah, this project has been really interesting hearing about everyone's endings. And I have never heard someone say it like that yet. And I think that's really beautiful. And I'm actually gonna write this down and think about it. Maybe you, and I think that's helpful for people that have maybe, we've all been through things in life, but I think some people have maybe been through extra, extra something in life or extra somethings.
that when you have been through a lot of endings, that does mean that you've also been through a lot of beginnings, which that's a really lovely way to put it. are there any big lessons that for you have really stood out that you've taken away from some of these experiences?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (08:19)
I've had so many different lessons that have come away from the experiences and a lot of times trauma survivors are asked like, if you had an option to never have had this happen to you, like would you have taken that opportunity? And I've gotten to a point of my life where I'm like, what has happened has happened and I wouldn't be the person I am today
wasn't for those things. Like something that I would do whenever I was in Christian fundamentalism is I would go to camps and I would spend summers at camps and albeit there was a lot of indoctrination that happened there but then I was disconnected from technology. I was connected with the earth and with nature and if I never had those opportunities then I wouldn't have the kind of connection that I have with
nature today. That is something that is really cathartic and meaningful for me and that's where I find that I feel closest to my higher power of being in nature. If it wasn't for that then I wouldn't have discovered all these wonderful parks in upstate New York. That's a very much a part of my life of going out there and hiking and exploring these places.
Heather Mcginley (09:36)
State New York is so beautiful. I've been there only a couple times, but I remember the first time I went just being amazed by how gorgeous and beautiful and wonderful it is.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (09:45)
yeah, there's just so much diversity there with having the falls out there, both Niagara Falls and a lot of other falls and multiple mountain ranges there too. Yeah, I love it.
Heather Mcginley (09:55)
Falls on falls, mountains on mountains.
Now you have a quote on your website that I really liked a lot. It's by Alok Bayid Menon on your website and it says, healing is not about erasing the past. It's about rewriting what it means to us. Can you say more about what that quote means to you?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (10:14)
with looking at
going back with the trauma work. It's not about forgetting about what happened, but instead it's looking at grieving what happened. And part of the grief where grief isn't linear and one of these parts of grieving is finding value and meaning. And so through the grief, then there's all this meaning that can be found from it. And so I found a lot of different meanings through grieving the loss
of leaving Christian fundamentalism.
Heather Mcginley (10:46)
when you left fundamentalism. What did? What was that grief like? Like what did you feel like? I think everyone has different answers for this for you. What did you feel like you were leaving behind?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (10:57)
With it, it made it difficult for me to trust people because I thought that there were all these people in my life where I trusted them and I thought that they trusted me. But in me coming out, it showed that they didn't trust that I knew what was in my best interest. They didn't believe that I actually knew myself.
And then as I was reflecting upon it, I realized in Christian fundamentalism, the relationships weren't built on trust, they were built on faith. And something that they talk about within Christian fundamentalism is about ⁓ faith is something that you don't see. And so if a person says, well,
you I'm a part of this denomination and you say, well, I am too, then you are considered to be brothers and sisters of Christ. And so because of that, then you're forced into believing people, having faith in people. And so in leaving that behind, then I started to learn more about trust.
and I had unrealistic expectations about trust.
I thought that trust was going to be something where if I told people, this is who I am, this is what I'm about, that then people would be like, great, like me too, you know, let's connect. But instead people were like, no, like show me, you know, show me by actions. Right. And I realized that that's what it's like outside of Christian fundamentalism where people take their time of trusting people.
And there's something beautiful that I've come to realize about this, but there were all these different interpersonal dynamics that I started to realize that I was having to unlearn. And this grief of...
feeling like the relationships were a lot deeper than what they actually were back then. Because if they actually were deep, then they would have lasted.
Heather Mcginley (13:02)
I'm having a moment here thinking about all this too. I'll share one thing that was a big thing I had to unlearn was having feelings. Because your feelings don't matter. What your heart is saying doesn't matter. It's what you were told to believe about yourself. That's what you're told is true. No matter what you feel. And for me, that turned into,
not having feelings because they never mattered. So why would you care about anything?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (13:30)
Mm-hmm.
Heather Mcginley (13:30)
I don't know, it's very interesting thinking about what do you unlearn when you go through these things, things that you maybe didn't even realize were not really you. They were things that had been like ingrained into you. And then as you become more yourself, you unlearn it and let it go and become the person that you really are. And what an interesting, well, difficult process that can be.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (13:52)
Right? There's this verse that goes, the heart above all things is deceitfully, desperately wicked. Who could know it?
And in having this kind of messaging, I learned to not trust my body. I learned not to trust my intuition. And a lot of the grief work that I've done and that I am doing is checking in with my body, seeing what things feel like in my body and knowing that my body is wise. And through that, it's really this connection with intuition that was something prohibited.
before.
Heather Mcginley (14:29)
Now for you, as part of your journey, and I think this is something that unfortunately a lot of people can relate to, I can relate to this myself because I became estranged from my dad for some, for particular reasons and I didn't speak to him for three years before he died and it was really painful. And I think there's a lot of people in that situation and you've talked about this yourself. Whenever you make a decision to go no contact with your family or family members, it can be really painful.
even when you know it's the right thing to do. The hard thing and the right thing is the same thing sometimes. And there's a lot of people out there who need to do the same thing or they're in the process of it. Can you talk a little bit about what brought you to that place and anything you think might be helpful for other people that are going through that?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (15:11)
So whenever I was in the Bible Belt, I was seeing a therapist out there where it was either in our first or second session, but she was the first person that called my family abusive.
and that was very impactful for me because abuse, violence is so normalized within Christian fundamentalism that I did not recognize that's what was happening to me. Even though that I was literally getting beat up, I was not calling it as abuse.
And so in just having someone name that and look at me in the eyes and also be very patient with me about planning to leave. It took me years to plan leaving. I think that a lot of times folks who haven't gone through domestic violence before will see a domestic violence survivor.
and be like, why aren't you leaving and feeling this impatience and this urgency? But whenever that has become your norm, then it can be harder to leave. And it can be tough of securing the resources of figuring out how to be sustainably leaving. And then whenever getting together those resources, too, there has to be a kind of strategy that occurs.
or else then it's going to be very dangerous to be leaving because there is a risk of death whenever a person packs up and leaves very suddenly and so there are all of these steps that happen along with the process but
What was really the big moment for me where I realized that I had no other option but to leave was that my physician found out that I had a traumatic brain injury from the abuse. And I was getting an EEG and an EKG. And my mom came into the room and she physically assaulted me.
and it was on camera and ⁓ and so she had to be forcibly removed I was asked if I wanted to press charges. I decided not to press charges but they asked me they said do you want to live a long life and I had never been asked that question before and I said yeah and they said
Well, you can't live a long life as long as you have your family in your life. And I needed people to be blunt with me.
I think sometimes people dance around domestic violence and calling a spade a spade, but sometimes that's what domestic violence survivors need to be able to wake up. Because a lot of times, DV survivors survive through dissociation. So we may need some cold water to be splashed on our face to get us out of there.
Heather Mcginley (18:12)
I'm really sorry you went through all that. I'm glad that you're not in that situation anymore.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (18:18)
Me too.
Heather Mcginley (18:19)
Yeah, I, it was kind of interesting. I remember, because several of my, I would say most of the kids in my family, Kit and I talked about a little bit of this offline in emails. You know, I grew up quiver full. So I have 21 siblings. And I would say a lot of my siblings, we grew up a certain way, told who we were, and then we became grownups and everyone went through an unlearning process. And
Realizing our childhood wasn't what we thought it was and That led to a lot of us not talking to our dad anymore You know and I what's interesting and I I'll just share for me You know because I was I actually went my dad was dying and I actually decided to go to his deathbed Even though I hadn't seen her talk to him in three years And I at first I was like, am I here? He was so awful to me
into my siblings and caused all this damage. And I finally got to a place that reconciled it of, think whenever you're estranged from your family, it can be true that you love them, but they don't love you. And that means you have to go. Like those things are true. It's not that I didn't love my dad. It's that he was directly hurting so many of us that you can't be there anymore. And it's really painful when it's one of your family members, which I think that's really hard for our
Kit Morgan (he/they) (19:21)
confused.
Heather Mcginley (19:34)
A lot of people who have had these dangerous, difficult experiences with family where they are hurting you and harming you and you're not going to be able to have a long happy life because they're with you. And it's really hard to walk away regardless, you know, cause there's not, well, let me ask you this. Cause I have a thought, but I want to see what you think. I think sometimes other people or friends might say something like, well, they're the only dad you've got, or they're the only family you've got.
I have a thought of a response to that, what do you say when I'm sure people have said that to you or you've encountered it with some of your clients?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (20:09)
I've gotten some of the reverse said to me where I'm told things like, well, you can have your chosen family. And I think that's said to me more so with me being queer. And I say to them, a chosen family is not a replacement for blood family.
And because like I think about the genetic component, like my family, although I decided to take a different path of really working on healing generational trauma and having family members who did not stick through with therapy and taking care of their mental health. And yet we still look the same. We still sound the same.
you know, or epigenetics, the memories of my ancestors live inside of me. And that is not going to be the same that is true for close people in my life who do not share the same DNA with me. And whenever I was still one foot in the religious community and one foot out and questioning about what I wanted to do,
about my family, then I was told that, like, what's gonna happen there? Or my mom ended up getting diagnosed with terminal cancer. And so then I was told, well, this is your responsibility. And I did end up letting my family into my life for a short period of time. I was asked to make the end of life care planning for my mom.
And so I did that and I thought, well, you know, maybe this will give my family an opportunity to change. Maybe my mom will be remorseful. And one of the last things that she said to me was, I wish you were never born. And I thought, why am I here? Why am I doing this?
Heather Mcginley (22:08)
Yeah, that'll do it. ⁓
Kit Morgan (he/they) (22:13)
And so I was like, okay, well then I'm gonna leave. And whenever people tell me that they're sorry that I don't have a relationship with my family, I don't feel sorry. I feel proud of myself of sticking through my boundaries. And I feel really free of doing that, but.
Heather Mcginley (22:28)
Yeah.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (22:34)
I think as long as family members who are abusive and whenever going no contact with them are still alive on this earth, there can still be like this little bit of hope of being like, maybe they're gonna change.
Heather Mcginley (22:50)
Maybe they went
to therapy a couple times or read an article. So maybe something changed.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (22:56)
Yeah, and for me, I mean, I had to explore for myself where I was like, you know, maybe if I visit their deathbed, that they'll apologize to me. But then that was something where I had to grieve the loss of where I was like, well, what if I show up there, I break those no contact boundaries, and that apology has never made? Then what? How does that?
then affect this narrative or this hope that I had? Or why am I allowing this person or these people who are abusive to be the ones in control of the closure from the trauma that they were the ones that induced?
Heather Mcginley (23:39)
That is, I'm sitting here thinking about it. I think so many people who have been through these kinds of things feel powerless. How,
can people that have been suffering and it is really hard. Like I think it's meaningful that you said you're really proud of yourself for everything that you have been able to move forward and create this good happy life because it is something to be proud of because it is very hard. What do you think might help someone who is really in the trenches feeling hopeless feeling powerless? What's like a good first step for them to start thinking about creating a good life for themselves?
that's different from what they're going through right now.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (24:23)
lot of times, whenever a person comes from a harmful family and they're feeling hopeless, they're feeling powerless, they're not feeling their chronological age. And I think that it's important to ask yourself, what age do I feel right now?
and it may be feeling like you're a teenager, it may be feeling like you are in preschool, maybe you feel like an infant or a toddler, but picturing that age of yourself in your mind, then picturing yourself now in nurturing, nurturing that younger part of yourself, because with part of this finding empowerment, it's also
raising up the younger parts of yourself, lifting yourself up, rather than having yourself continue to be down, because that's where your family put you, whenever you should have never been put down like that.
Heather Mcginley (25:18)
Now for you and you were, you know, in the life that you've been able to create for yourself, which I do follow you on social and it looks really beautiful and fun. And especially yesterday, I was like, Ooh, that hike looks great. But you talk a little bit about joy. What? Cause there can be joy. You can go through so much pain in your life and you can find joy. It, you know, it,
It's hard, but you can get there. For you, how does joy show up in your life? What does it mean to you?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (25:46)
I think sometimes I forget about how joy is getting projected to other people. whenever I was driving out to this hiking trail, I had to stop off at a kiosk and I encountered this person where she looks at me and she says, you are too happy.
Heather Mcginley (26:09)
Thank you.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (26:12)
What do you mean?" And she's like, well, you're smiling. And I'm like, yeah, because I'm living today. then she was just thrown off guard. then whenever I walked away, I I hope that you have a peaceful day.
And whenever I'm thinking about joy that I experience, I see it being intrinsically intertwined with peace. And we're living during very chaotic times. And, but there can still be peace that is found from within. And whenever feeling fully connected to your body or your sense of self, or whenever I'm even thinking about like,
these are my values that I have in life and I have a life where I'm living in accordance with those values and being able to live in that way, like it's very beautiful and so I just, feel like gratitude is something that has become a part of my life.
And before I've gotten to this place, gratitude was something that was very difficult, but it was something that I realized was important for me to be noticing every day, even if that was one thing where it was like, okay, I really like this thing that I made in the kitchen, or maybe my brows look good today, like whatever that might be.
Heather Mcginley (27:33)
Hahaha
Kit Morgan (he/they) (27:35)
But then these different gratitudes keep building off of each other more and more because I think people can see gratitude and then they can feel attracted to that. And from that attraction, then community is built based upon that gratitude so that then people can be supporting each other in whatever ways they can.
Heather Mcginley (27:57)
There was a friend of mine is running something else that I've actually been thinking about too, our big joys and little joys. And she started this thing where she's like, you know, we talk about the things that bring us a lot of joy, like big joy, fill our heart. And she was like, but there's also all these little joys, things like really good coffee in the morning, walking your dog. And she started like really focusing on those things. And she started this whole thing where she said, she's called it imprinting little joys daily.
And so it's kind of like a gratitude journal. And she's like, every day I want you to, something small, just right now that's making you happy. And it should be tiny, just like a little thing. And it was interesting because she posted a video about it every single day. And she actually ended up having one of the hardest years of her life outside of that. And she was talking about it the other day. And she said, you know, it really has like changed me, just finding these little joys in every moment. She was like, it's not like the big things. It's like in this moment, I feel joyful about.
this coffee, the sunlight. And it actually was really amazing to hear her talk about it. So was like, wow, that's, that's like transformational. It's just like a tiny little thing, like feeling gratitude, feeling, and you know, little moments of happiness and how it can actually change you in such a bigger way that's unexpected.
Kit Morgan (he/they) (29:14)
Yeah, absolutely.
Heather Mcginley (29:16)
I was like, I think I'm gonna start thinking about that. Now, when you think back to your younger self and you have learned some like it's so clear, you have learned so much, you have grown so much, you know, your life has changed so much. When you look back to your younger self before you went through that process, what is something that you would like to say to the younger kit?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (29:34)
Whenever I was really little, I used to stomp my foot whenever I was alone. And I used to be really embarrassed about it.
And I would tell my younger self to not be embarrassed about it, to stomp into my power, and to march. Like, that's what I would want to tell my younger self, because I didn't realize at that time that it was me seeing and experiencing all these frustrating things and trying to figure out how to process it in my body. And so instead, the way that
I responded to that and feeling embarrassed that that's what I would do to try to be releasing this out of my body was that I learned to step very softly and I learned to tiptoe and that's something where I wish that someone would have told me to not tiptoe but to walk firmly.
Heather Mcginley (30:26)
love that. Kit, I want to thank you so much for being here today. You do look happy. I think you look happy today. I like it. Thank you so much for being here for sharing your story and the kindness and compassion that is so obvious in your work for your clients and for your patients and that you put out into the world. Now, where can people find you if they want to work with you or hear more from you?
Kit Morgan (he/they) (30:33)
I feel happy.
Yeah, so you can find me at my website, is The Liberated Porch dot com I also have a social media handle, The Liberated Porch, where you can find me on Instagram, TikTok, and Substack.
Heather Mcginley (31:01)
Thank you so much and thank you to everyone who's listening today to the Happily Never After, especially those of you that are on your own journey walking through an ending right now. We hope you have a good week.