Online dating can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. Or a Squid Game.

Anyone who exists within a 10-mile real life radius or on the planet (virtually) knows I co-host a podcast about dating, relationships, and second acts after divorce, with my pal Laura Koo. We share too much, cry too little, and laugh a whole lot over there. Ill-advised? Definitely. But-it’s real and honest. Our take is that you get one life-might as well be brave and tell the truth about it.

I’ve been dating for a little over a year or so now. I’ve learned a lot, and the way I date now is so, so different than I dated a year (or even six months) ago. I’ve learned a lot about the What and the How, both what I want from myself and in someone I’m dating.

The What

Me

Well, I AM myself, so there’s not too much I can do about The What here. Cannot replace who I am. The package deal is…

• Mom, career, active, creative, hard-working

• Spiritual but not religious

• Mostly a good person (at least 85%)

• Horrifyingly goofy

• I know how to pour scotch and share the remote (at the same time.)

My date

• Active, creative, hard-working

• Has been in love before

• Not too attached to organized religion

• Doesn’t hold a dead fish in his profile pics (this is a REAL ISSUE)

• At least a year divorced or definitely out of “frat boy” mode

• Mostly a good person (at least 85%)

• Geography does not matter. As established many times on my podcast, I am destined to never date anyone who lives less than 45 minutes away

• Knows how to buy me flowers on a Tuesday

The How

Applies to both of us

• Is loving and allows me to reciprocate. (Harder to find than you would think.)

• Able to prioritize ourselves but also care about my feelings.

• Able to talk, ask questions, communicate.

• Actively pursue each other and make each other feel wanted.

• Both of us are in therapy or otherwise working on our sh*t.

• I am an alpha, and one thing I know is I need another alpha. Alpha doesn’t mean demanding or bossy; it means confidence, kindness, assertiveness.

• Will not inflict IPAs on each other. Heaven forbid a craft IPA.

• Saying “yes” anytime one of us says we need something. This might be support, a conversation, a joke, a cookie.

• Best friends who do lots of fun things together and also make out. TALL ORDER I KNOW.

Funnily, getting clear on these things has meant I date a whole lot less. I used to go on 2-3 dates a week. Now it’s maybe once per month. Maybe. When you’re in your second act, ready to have feelings and actually date in a meaningful way, that can mean you’re looking for a needle in a haystack. I don’t care about “red flags” or checklists, but I do care about being with someone good, kind, and caring. I require the same out of myself. It’s a journey, that’s for sure.

And-where’s my dead fish?