Ohio St. Beach. Popular open water training spot for much better swimmers than myself.

I’m a terrible sports-person. I played soccer as a kid and in high school. I put the ball in the net for the other team once as a 6-year-old, and I was the top scorer on my high school team with my two goals - total. At least I had learned to shoot on the correct end of the field by then.

Regardless, I love working out. It’s how I process - everything. My feelings, my anxiety - it all benefits from a good sweat. So, I work out every day: run, spin, swim, yoga, weights, TRX, pilates. And, I’m horrible at all of it. This is not me being modest.

• My standard speed is 13-minute miles when I run.

• My average output on a 30-minute *Peloton spin class is around 160.

• My best marathon time is 5:28:33 - and I was thrilled at that result.

• As a kid, I flunked out of YMCA swim classes - multiple times - and the coach told my parents not to bother.

I’ve run 3 marathons, 6 half marathons, and a bunch of shorter races. I am always at the back of the pack, and the 10-year-old racers (there’s usually at least 1) leave me in their dust.

I also have water phobia, so naturally I do triathlon. Makes sense. Two so far, including one DNF because legit I was drowning. It was hilarious to everyone, including me.

In about a month, I’ll swim/bike/run my third sprint at the Chicago Triathlon. I’ve been swim training since April. I have a coach. I joined a training club. The entire goal is two-fold: no drowning and no swimming boat to boat. It’s sure to be a sh*tshow.

Because no matter what I do, or how hard I work, I’m just the very worst sportsperson. But, that’s ok - because triathlon lifeguards tend to be very nice people who I enjoy talking to. We’ve spent a lot of time together over the years.

*Yes, I’m one of “those people.” Also, I like biking in my basement where nobody can see me be terrible at it.